Learning point.

Hey.
It's been awhile, I know. Sorry about that. I've been living a very insane life lately.
I have a ton of new friends, reconnected with some old ones, and have held to my good ones as well.

I've been living, though. Truly living.

I'm not sure how to explain it, except just by saying I am experiencing things for the first time. It's not necessarily that I'm just now trying these specific things, but rather, I am finally allowing myself to soak it in.

I have no idea what I want. I have no idea who I am. I am however, learning.
I'm learning to fall in love without thinking. I'm learning how to be confident and daring and excitable. I'm learning how to be level-headed without overthinking all the little things.
Best of all, I'm smiling a thousand times more than I did six months ago.

I'm going to allow someone to love me. And I intend on loving him right back.
I'm going to try more sushi, make random friends, and jump into life head first.
Wanna know why?
...I'm growing.

That's all. I'm finally growing up.
I have made literally hundreds of mistakes, I've hurt myself and others, and I've ruined many wonderful things. But I don't regret any of it. I'm becoming who I was made to be. If it takes my heart getting destroyed again, then that's gonna happen. If I have to let go of someone or something in order to be happy, I'm willing to do so.


This is it.


I've finally figured out who I wanna be. And now I just have to get there. Here's to the many mistakes to come, and the many lessons to learn.

PS - Nothing good happens after 9pm. Ever.

Now.

Here's the deal--I have a good life. Good family. Good friends. Good home. And a very good God.
However....
my life is not perfect. I have struggles just like everyone else. I wake up each morning, and I make a decision to be happy. I choose to love life, despite whatever obstacles may or may not come my way. I stress out, I break down, and then I start again. There's no particular routine that makes life better or simpler. Rather, I'm learning to look ahead. I know there are many incredible things in store--for myself, my church, and for every person involved in my life.

I hold to the promise in Isaiah 66:9. It says, "In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord."(NCV) I know I am taken care of.

That being said, I've decided that I want to be real. I'm so sick of mediocre relationships that are only on the surface. My goal for the next year is to be a legitimate lover. I don't mean that in the wordly sense, mind you. I'm saying that I want to be someone that is strong and vulnerable at the same time. I'll be a person who looks past herself and sees others for who they were created to be.

I'm a selfish person. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and get hurt far too easily. Instead of focusing on me, I wanna focus on pouring into others. I want my friendships to be strong. I want to lift up the God that brought those friendships together. I want to work hard for what I get. In order for all of these things to happen, I must become the woman of God that I've been created to be.
(This is where you come in!)
I'm gonna start with the Word. I've got some scriptures that I like by, and I want you all to know them, so that you can hold me accountable to fulfill them.

First things first, in my daily life I want to implement 1 Corinthians 16:13-14, "Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions. Give it all you've got; be resolute. Love without stopping."

That's my challenge right now, and I have faith that I'll be able to follow through. This is gonna be a wild ride, but I'm excited to see what will happen.

Feeling.

This is an old poem, that I found today.. I kinda like it.

-----

It's not your memory that haunts me,
I'm completely over you.
It's the realization that you crushed me,
And there's nothing I can do.

Somehow, you convinced me to trust you..
That's when I began to fall.
I gave you the most fragile parts of me,
And in return you broke them all.

You're the only one who knew the real me,
Yet I lost myself in you.
Every moment that we shared together,
I thought your words were true.

I now know that I didn't love you,
But I loved who you'd pretend to be.
Your very existence makes my heart ache,
Though not in longing; in pity.

To have given you such power,
Was a fault upon my part.
Still I have grown strong, despite you,
And you no longer hold my heart.